Wasted Efforts

Due to my constant need to fix everything I've set myself up for some very harsh reality checks. I'm slowly learning that no matter how hard I may try some efforts are futile. Some things are just beyond my control. Sometimes I can't right my wrongs and second chances aren't an option, but no matter how positive or friendly the dismissal is, the new sense of absence doesn't feel any less like abandonment.

Everyone has experienced what it's like to enjoy another's company. I would expect that if anyone were in jeopardy of losing that companionship, they'd fight to keep it. I suppose I expect that because it's what I do every time. I just wish it didn't occur so often; the fighting gets exhausting. Often, I succeed in maintaining the friendship and achieving the ultimate goal of not losing another person I care for. However, when I fail, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I end up feeling both hurt and vulnerable...and completely out of control.

So, I clean.

I clean everything.

It gives me a sense of order...but that's besides the point. Last night I failed again...another one left. I couldn't do anything to fix it.

My feelings of distress from last night carried over to this morning and I wish I could find order. I sit here not sure whether to feel abandoned or grateful for a selfless act.

How can I see the bigger pictures when I'm stuck feeling completely discarded?

What does one do when a friend they were trying so desperately to prove themselves to won't stick around to see and acknowledge their efforts?

All I wanted was to earn someone's faith in me. Now I can't.
So, I clean.