How can I miss something so unnatural...so insane...so unsafe.
All this time I've been abstaining, hoping the urges would leave...but they haven't. So much time has passed and yet it's really been no time at all. I miss it. I hate it. I love it. I need it. I can stop it...but will I?
Friday, March 25, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
My Worst Nightmare
Before I begin, I would sincerely hope that others will be able to relate to this as opposed to thinking I'm some crazy bitch. I'm not a crazy bitch. :)
I'm usually a very peaceful person. I admit if someone does something cruel to me I am liable to throw some kind of fit, whether it be in the confines of my own home or in the other person's presence. That exception aside, I tend to be kind to everyone and I've learned to tolerate those who get on my nerves...until recently.
I've stumbled upon the one person I cannot tolerate. He's rude, he's ignorant, he's cocky, he's disrespectful, he's chauvinistic, he's lazy, he's arrogant and he's all around just an absolute moron. He embodies every quality I despise in human beings.
All he has to do is sit down next to me in class and I can feel my blood pressure shoot through the roof. The sound of his voice makes me want to punch him in the face. I am by no means a violent person on any normal occasion, but for whatever reason this kid gets to me.
I hear him typing at the computer next to me and even THAT makes me angry. He types with his fingers so heavy on the keyboard even the act of pressing on the proper letters seems like a task too challenging for his lazy ass. Then, on the off chance it aggravates me enough to shoot a glance his way and I see the things he's written on his monitor, every word is misspelled. The grammar is awful, the words are used in the wrong context, and there is complete lack of punctuation. Anyone who knows me knows that butchering the English language is enough to drive me insane.
Even when I don't have to deal with the sound of his lead fingers slowly punching out the misspelled words appearing on his monitor, he finds ways to irritate me to the point of digging my nails into the sides of my desk chair. There isn't a day when his iPod headphones aren't streaming from the hood of his jacket. Mid-lecture his music can be heard from rows of students away. I understand a love of music, but when it's disrupting someone else it's just rude. Headphones were invented so others wouldn't have to hear your shitty rap music.
That's another thing! When his typing has ceased and his music has been turned off he is constantly writing lyrics to made up raps. I understand chasing a dream, but it disrupts class, bothers everyone around him, and he's not even any good at it. He lacks the vocabulary to make decent rhymes and he copies rhythms from songs that are played daily by Kiis FM, Power 106, and Amp radio. No one wants to hear you muttering your amateur lyrics under your breath all period long.
Maybe now my disclaimer at the beginning of this giant, unwarranted rant makes some more sense. I honestly don't even know this person very well. We share a class and are forced to sit next to each other for an hour each day. I felt even more out of line about my feelings towards this guy until I asked my other classmates what they thought of him. I got similar, yet slightly less loathsome, reactions to mine. No one can stand the kid.
That gives me a little peace of mind, knowing that the problem lies more in him than it does in me, but I'm still appalled at how much I can dislike someone I don't even know. I suppose some people just don't mesh well together, and I must say, this tirade has helped calm me quite a bit so it can't be completely terrible...right?
I'm usually a very peaceful person. I admit if someone does something cruel to me I am liable to throw some kind of fit, whether it be in the confines of my own home or in the other person's presence. That exception aside, I tend to be kind to everyone and I've learned to tolerate those who get on my nerves...until recently.
I've stumbled upon the one person I cannot tolerate. He's rude, he's ignorant, he's cocky, he's disrespectful, he's chauvinistic, he's lazy, he's arrogant and he's all around just an absolute moron. He embodies every quality I despise in human beings.
All he has to do is sit down next to me in class and I can feel my blood pressure shoot through the roof. The sound of his voice makes me want to punch him in the face. I am by no means a violent person on any normal occasion, but for whatever reason this kid gets to me.
I hear him typing at the computer next to me and even THAT makes me angry. He types with his fingers so heavy on the keyboard even the act of pressing on the proper letters seems like a task too challenging for his lazy ass. Then, on the off chance it aggravates me enough to shoot a glance his way and I see the things he's written on his monitor, every word is misspelled. The grammar is awful, the words are used in the wrong context, and there is complete lack of punctuation. Anyone who knows me knows that butchering the English language is enough to drive me insane.
Even when I don't have to deal with the sound of his lead fingers slowly punching out the misspelled words appearing on his monitor, he finds ways to irritate me to the point of digging my nails into the sides of my desk chair. There isn't a day when his iPod headphones aren't streaming from the hood of his jacket. Mid-lecture his music can be heard from rows of students away. I understand a love of music, but when it's disrupting someone else it's just rude. Headphones were invented so others wouldn't have to hear your shitty rap music.
That's another thing! When his typing has ceased and his music has been turned off he is constantly writing lyrics to made up raps. I understand chasing a dream, but it disrupts class, bothers everyone around him, and he's not even any good at it. He lacks the vocabulary to make decent rhymes and he copies rhythms from songs that are played daily by Kiis FM, Power 106, and Amp radio. No one wants to hear you muttering your amateur lyrics under your breath all period long.
Maybe now my disclaimer at the beginning of this giant, unwarranted rant makes some more sense. I honestly don't even know this person very well. We share a class and are forced to sit next to each other for an hour each day. I felt even more out of line about my feelings towards this guy until I asked my other classmates what they thought of him. I got similar, yet slightly less loathsome, reactions to mine. No one can stand the kid.
That gives me a little peace of mind, knowing that the problem lies more in him than it does in me, but I'm still appalled at how much I can dislike someone I don't even know. I suppose some people just don't mesh well together, and I must say, this tirade has helped calm me quite a bit so it can't be completely terrible...right?
Monday, March 7, 2011
Insecurities
I used to dwell on the past everyday at least once. These thoughts were sometimes negative, sometimes nostalgic, sometimes pondering, and all bittersweet. I find it ironic and painful that when I finally choose to let the past go, other people bring it back for me. My past mistakes. My past misfortunes. The skeletons in my closet. People from days gone by echo what I've said and done, informing and misinforming those close to me now. It's a giant game of "telephone", where one minor offense escalates to become four different major offenses, every one of which untrue.
My primary goal in life is to forget what history I've already written and what history has already been written for me and just move on. All things considered, I've done just that. The only problem is, others haven't. I've changed and I've become someone I've wanted to be: someone who accepts who they've been and is making a major effort to improve. Others either don't believe it, don't notice I've changed at all, or simply just don't care.
To all of those people: remember the proverb you were constantly being fed as a child, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
If you're saying disrespectful things then I've put you on the outside for a reason, so stay there and out of my business. I'm trying to create a pleasant future and you don't hold a place in it. As for all of the people who never held a place in my life to begin with, I don't know why you're spreading my business anyways. I give you my sincerest apologies for being so bored with your lives, or even worse, so delusional and ignorant as to think you have nothing to focus on when it comes to improving yourselves. Go fix your flaws and stop exemplifying mine.
The person I have become deserves the respect that the person I was never gained. All of these rumors have gone around about me for as long as I can remember and they're just that: rumors. They are my biggest insecurity because hearing something you've "done" (almost all of which you HAVEN'T actually done or even come close to doing) is embarrassing and degrading and it makes me uncomfortable showing my face in public some days.
I want people to care about the person I am, not the person I was. I want to be praised for my improvements, not ostracized for my mistakes. More than anything, I want the people I surround myself with to be proud to say they're my friend/boyfriend/parent, not embarrassed to tell people they know me, let alone choose to spend time with me.
I am working to be accepted and I finally deserve to be respected.
My primary goal in life is to forget what history I've already written and what history has already been written for me and just move on. All things considered, I've done just that. The only problem is, others haven't. I've changed and I've become someone I've wanted to be: someone who accepts who they've been and is making a major effort to improve. Others either don't believe it, don't notice I've changed at all, or simply just don't care.
To all of those people: remember the proverb you were constantly being fed as a child, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
If you're saying disrespectful things then I've put you on the outside for a reason, so stay there and out of my business. I'm trying to create a pleasant future and you don't hold a place in it. As for all of the people who never held a place in my life to begin with, I don't know why you're spreading my business anyways. I give you my sincerest apologies for being so bored with your lives, or even worse, so delusional and ignorant as to think you have nothing to focus on when it comes to improving yourselves. Go fix your flaws and stop exemplifying mine.
The person I have become deserves the respect that the person I was never gained. All of these rumors have gone around about me for as long as I can remember and they're just that: rumors. They are my biggest insecurity because hearing something you've "done" (almost all of which you HAVEN'T actually done or even come close to doing) is embarrassing and degrading and it makes me uncomfortable showing my face in public some days.
I want people to care about the person I am, not the person I was. I want to be praised for my improvements, not ostracized for my mistakes. More than anything, I want the people I surround myself with to be proud to say they're my friend/boyfriend/parent, not embarrassed to tell people they know me, let alone choose to spend time with me.
I am working to be accepted and I finally deserve to be respected.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
