Obsession

What exactly is an obsessive personality? Is it the same as an addictive personality? How does one become obsessive and why? When? Is there a specific time or situation in which someone becomes easily obsessed? If there is, I am in that time of my life. If not, I suppose that would put me under the category of an "obsessive personality".

Obsessive personality: "A type of personality characterized by the manifestation of a rigid, pervasive pattern of perfectionism and inflexibility as the individual strives persistently for obvious unattainable and implausible goals, to the point that the actual completion of tasks and projects are frequently interfered by such behavior."

So basically, someone with this "disorder" becomes engrossed with one or multiple goals, goes to great lengths to do everything humanly possible to achieve them, and their undying efforts are so intense they only get in the way of their success.

Now, I'm no doctor but I'm going to go out on a limb here with a self-diagnosis. I don't believe I am getting in my own way all the time, though sometimes I am, but I have been getting rather attached to things, people, and activities as of late.

The most obvious of these current "obsessions" would be the ridiculous amount of effort I'm putting into keeping my relationship. That is also where I see myself getting in my own way. While trying to make sure everything is perfect I make myself seem demanding, controlling and bitchy. That isn't me. I try to express my feelings hoping to improve the relationship and end up getting into some kind of argument because of my temper. When I see activities or behavior that might be detrimental to our relationship it makes my temper even shorter and I end up ruining what I was trying to fix.

I could go into intricate details about this "disorder" and my connection to it and that specific example, but that would go on forever.

All I ask is: How do I fix this glitch in my personality? How do I rid myself of the insecurity that causes this irrational and unnecessary behavior?

Help me fix myself. I need these things I'm striving to keep to remain stable.

"Sleep-Talking"

Sleep is a curious concept, for no one knows what happens after they close their eyes and their subconscious takes over. No one can tell time when they're asleep, no one can control their body movement or functions when they're asleep, and very few can control their thoughts when they're asleep. Those who can are referred to as “lucid dreamers”, but that's a separate topic entirely. My point is, when one is asleep, they are no longer in control. So are we still ourselves when we're asleep? Is the subconscious mind of the same personality as the waking mind?

Yesterday, my English teacher was entertaining the class (as she does most days at the beginning of the period) with some funny stories about her recent activity outside the classroom. The stories tend to revolve around poking fun at herself in some way or another, whether it be about how clumsy she is or how pessimistic she can be. Yesterday, however, the story wasn't even about something she thought or did voluntarily. She told us all about how she used to talk in her sleep as a child. Though she thought she had grown out of it, her husband had recently told her she still did. Her involuntary comments would cover a wide range of topics, from a practical question like, “Did you buy my grapefruit?” to a completely irrational one like, “What do you think you are?!”

As the class started to laugh she went on, telling us all that it got even better, or as she referred to the experience: scarier. She said since her husband's main goal in life was to make fun of her until she reached the verge of tears, that she was quite skeptical and didn't quite know if she believed what he was telling her about her “sleep-conversations”. He then told her if she didn't believe him, he would be more than happy to record it for her next time she became talkative in the middle of the night.

Just as he had promised, the next time she became unconsciously vocal he recorded it on his iPad. The next day he showed her and she was frightened by what she heard. In her sleep she had sat up, and when her spouse had asked her what was wrong she replied, “Everything is bad.” She then went on to say, “It hurts.” When he asked her what hurt she had said that bones hurt. Curious, as I'm sure he was, he further inquired, “Who's bones hurt?” This entire time he claims her eyes had been closed and she had been talking in a low, tired voice, common of the unconscious. However, as soon as he asked that question he claims her eyes opened and her low voice lowered still to whisper, “Everyone's bones.”

She was extremely freaked out by this point and wondered why she had gone all “Children of the Corn” as she referred to it. Everyone in the class was laughing hysterically at her personal horror story and I was among them. It did make me wonder, though: Is everyone the same person when they're asleep that they are when they're awake? It sounds ludicrous to suggest that some other spirit or what-have-you could inhibit your body in your sleep, but what if that was the case? What if your slumbering body served as a terminal for those in the afterlife? I'm very open-minded and extremely intrigued by the thought of the supernatural. It is said that spirits can wander the earth, suspended in the afterlife; held there by some unfinished business. What if our sleeping bodies are how they try to convey the message they need to get across to move on? What if that is what sleep-talking really is – a message from a desperate spirit trying to cross over?

That's just an abstract thought. On a more practical (logical, if you will) note, it could just be our troubled minds freeing our conscience by spilling the things we keep pent up when we're conscious.

It's just as plausible, if not more so. Our teacher went on to tell us how she used to tell the truth in her sleep as a child. For example, if she had done something wrong and didn't fess up when she was awake, her family could easily ask her if she was guilty while she was asleep and she would answer in complete honesty. That supports the theory that sleep-talking is just the lack of control in filtering one's inner thoughts, especially when they are causing one stress or guilt.

In my unbiased opinion, it could go either way. However, it would be much less interesting if it were merely the latter explanation.

What do you think?

Drunken Babbling

So, I definitely wrote all of this last night when I got home but Blogger decided to shit out on me when I finally decided to write something. Awesome.

Anyways, here you go:

If there is one word I could use to describe myself under the influence, it would be impressionable. Like I stated in my last post, I'm opinionated and I am an individual, but I can be extremely impressionable. This is most evident when I've been drinking. If someone says something mean to me, I'll immediately start bawling. If someone kisses me, I'll kiss back. If someone plays me dark music, I'll want to be dark with it. Everything I hear, everything I see, whatever affects me makes me who I am at the time. If that makes any sense. My senses and what they conceive mold my inebriated mind.

My mom always tells me I shouldn't drink. She tells me my long history of alcoholism and my predisposition to an addictive personality will cause me severe problems in the future if I'm not careful. So far, I see no problem. I'm fine....So far. I do take what she says into consideration but I don't drink very much... At least not anymore. After last summer I've learned the art of moderation. Now it's only beer or wine. Something to take the edge off, or just to have some fun in some environments. Either way, I promise that I'm fine and I truly believe that. I would hope my mom believes me, too. Even more importantly, I hope it stays that way. I would never want to be dangerous and I would never want to hurt anyone that I love the way some of my loved ones have hurt me before. Anytime that happens, I still love them the same, just as I know they'd love me the same. That doesn't matter, though. I would never want to hurt them regardless.

To be honest, I don't really know where I was going with this. It's just more babbling of the intoxicated mind. Funny really, that the intoxicated mind would choose to write on the topic of intoxication itself...Anyways, I hope this was some insight for anyone who cares as to what I think and feel when influenced...

Until next time...