Where Do You See Yourself In Ten Years?

Have you ever wondered how long you'll get to live? When you will die? From what? Where?

I guess you could say I have.

Where do you see yourself in ten years? - One of the most commonly asked questions of any grade from elementary school to college. In elementary school it was usually something along the lines of, "I'm going to be going to high school with the big kids," or, "I'm going to have my own dog." Small, trivial things that wouldn't seem like big goals or even goals at all to anyone but a small child. In high school the answers changed from trivial to contemplative. They fell into the categories of general - "I see myself graduating college" - or specific - "I see myself in med school studying to become a neurosurgeon." The people around me always seem to have the biggest dreams. Finally, in college people really start to fear their own answers to that very same question. They start to become more unsure in their answers - with good reason. Some wish for a family, others wish for a fast-paced career. Most wish for lots of money.

The main point is, everyone gets asked that question more than once in their lifetime. Everyone around me always had interesting and insightful answers, no matter what age. I, however, seemed to fall into a category all my own.

When asked where I saw myself in ten years...I couldn't answer because I didn't know. I had no idea.

Everyone else had some idea - some plan. My mind can only see so far into the future before it stops making plans. I saw middle school, high school, college. I saw friends, boyfriends, part-times jobs. I saw myself eventually moving out and struggling into my own independence. I saw all of these things and I still see some, but after that point...somewhere along the line my future plans disappear. I can't see anything else. I can't see all of the plans that others seem to see for their own futures.

Why is it when I try to invision my future my mind is a blank. I don't see images of my house complete with husband and child. I don't see where I'm going to work and I don't see where I'm going to live. I see blackness where everyone else already sees a picture, prematurely painted.

I don't exactly know what this means.

I don't know if it's good that I take things one day at a time or bad that I haven't planned enough. I don't know if it will lead to my demise or if it will enhance my future in some odd way or another.

I don't know what ANY of it means.

I've always been curious about this. I always had some strange premonition that it meant I wouldn't live very long...like maybe the other kids had visions of their lives because they were actually going to occur one day.

Maybe my lack of insight into my own potential life meant there wasn't going to be one.

That seems scary but I don't see it that way. It's just something I've always considered...not as a bad thing necessarily. Just as an odd hunch or feeling. I wonder frequently if anyone else has felt this way. It just brings me back to something that always frightens me more than a little bit:

We, as people, have so many things that we have absolutely no way of ever finding out.

The things that scare me the most are the things no one will ever know.

Making the Best of a Bad Situation

Resolving conflict is like lifting the weight of the world off your shoulders. Everything that was dragging you down disappears and you can finally breathe. When something terrible is made better, everything seems better. That sigh of relief that escapes you when you can finally breathe - the next inhalation of air even seems cleaner.

If there is one thing that comes of a relationship after a serious problem it's purity. Whatever was bothering you is now solved and what follows is brand new. It's like a blanket of snow that's been stepped over too many times and then comes in reborn with the morning, filled and new.

What better time to make resolutions than the holidays and the beginning of a new year?
So my resolutions? As a whole: to fix my faults.

Individually, here is what I aim to do for me, for my relationship, and for the benefit of all the people that surround me daily:

1. Raise my self-esteem - Aside from making my life easier, it will also make me a lot less needy and is in perfect correlation with my next resolution...

2. Rid myself of my insecurities - Hopefully I can knock this out in the process of raising my self-esteem, or vise versa.

3. Do better in school - By reading more, studying harder, and actually showing an interest in learning I can offer more in conversation, and most likely just go farther with my life.

4. Be more positive - I plan to do this by surrounding myself with positive people; the people I want to be most like. This will make me more pleasant and probably be solved by all of my other resolutions.

And finally the last resolution, which can be achieved by first achieving those above...

5. Build up a better reputation for myself.

If I can do these things, I can continue to maintain that fresh blanket of snow and be happy and at peace with all that surrounds me.

Thank You

It seems as though this past month has been particularly hard for most of the people I know. While I'm glad I'm not the only one life is shitting on, I wouldn't wish the same for anyone else. Whatever higher power is out there, it really isn't happy with a lot of us lately for whatever reason. I can't go on to discuss everyone else's problems but I can explain my own. Some things are obviously harder than others - for example, my sister passing away. Then, there are more superficial stresses like finals, power outages, and other small annoyances. Either way it just seems to be one blow right after the next. Like today, I saw my dad cry hard for the first time in my entire life. Luckily my mom was there to comfort him because I don't think I would have known how and even if I had he wouldn't have accepted my help - he's too proud.

Needless to say, these past weeks have been hard and other disappointments haven't been making it any easier.

However, there has been one thing - or person rather - who has been extremely supportive and been my rock through this whole ordeal. He's been sweet, understanding, caring, and uncharacteristically cute and cuddly all for my benefit. I can't express how grateful I am to have him as my boyfriend and my best friend. He is unbelievable in every way and I am so lucky to have him in my life - especially now. No one could have done a better job of comforting me and he continues to comfort me and love me everyday.

What's most important to me, though, is that he isn't too proud to apologize when he slips up. It seems like the more time goes on, less and less people are humble enough to say "sorry".

He is my everything; the love of my life, my support system, my protector, my personal heater, my best friend, and my favorite person in the whole world.

I love you, Justin. Thank you for everything.

I'm yours forever<3

Loss

It's a shame what it sometimes takes to bring people together (Or me back to my blog). I know my family is not the only family out there who can go months and months at a time without ever contacting each other. We make the occasional phone call or send a spontaneous Facebook message, but that's about all the contact we make until the holidays roll around. Even then, sometimes our communication remains electronic.

Recently, however, one entire side of my family has been together and in contact everyday for about two weeks. This sounds like an amazing reunion - How lovely it is to be around the ones you love. Except one detail is missing...Why this abrupt rush to rebuild bridges that have long since been burned? Why suddenly latch on to those we haven't connected to in years? Number one answer?
An emergency.

Nothing will bring a family of strangers together faster than the loss of one.

Since my sister was admitted to the hospital on November 14th I've watched different members of my family suffering various stages of grief. My dad is constantly angry; he's broken a good number of things in our home. In my opinion he just wants everything to look as bad as he feels - broken. My other sister feels guilty and blames herself that she didn't do more to help. My mom shows faint signs of depression.

I'm in denial.

While everyone else seems to have gotten past that most damaging first stage, I am unable. Since I didn't see her very often it's as if she hasn't left us. She's just minding her own business as usual. I feel like come Christmas Eve she'll come visit for a bit and celebrate her 37th birthday with us like she would have if the fates had chosen differently. As it is, she is forever frozen a kind, funny, beautiful, thoughtful 36.

Aside from all the grief and pain her surviving family feels as a result of her untimely passing, I believe she is in a better place. She's even better off than the rest of us. While we're still chained to Earth dealing with daily problems and harsh realities, she's in a place where there is no pain and there are never problems. When she passed, I'd like to believe she reunited with all her loved ones long since past. She deserves only the best and I know wherever she is she's receiving it.

She will always live on in our hearts and our minds as a wonderful sister, a loving daughter, and a laugh riot...and now she's an angel. I bet she's making everyone laugh wherever she is - Her smile always lit up everyone's day. Her kindness was her biggest contribution to this Earth. I will love you, remember you, talk of you and miss you until the day I die.

You will always live on in all of our hearts. We love you.



Heather Lynn Slayback

December 24, 1974 - November 21, 2011