Just Some Negative Musings

What should I be doing right now?

Homework.

There's too much on my mind for that...it just won't do. So here, again, I turn to an internet blog that no one reads.

It shocks me every now and then that I could be so positive one day and so negative the next. I'll be so happy, celebrating life, thankful for all that I have and all that the world has to offer may it be tangible or otherwise. The next day I contemplate the unthinkable after pondering and coming to the realization that I may never be happy. Maybe I just wasn't cut out for it. No matter how hard I try to be a good person, I do shitty things. I find said "shitty things" fun...but when they hurt the people I love and care about I want to punish myself.

I'm impulsive. I'm "spontaneous" to put a positive spin on it.

I'm so torn all of the time. I'm happy one day - I want to give to people, I want to let everyone know that they are loved because I know how it feels to hurt. The next day I'm hurting once more. I realize how lonely I am - and I realize that that's my fault.

I want things that aren't real, and I can't stop myself from wanting.

I know what's right and I know what I want and I know that these two rarely match up.

I'm so torn all of the time...

I don't know if people like me actually exist...I haven't met any so far. People criticize the unfamiliar and the criticism gets old. I don't fit into one stereotype...not even close. My personality changes with my moods (which we've established transform in flashes) and I like to look how I feel. Yet people keep trying to shove me into one "label" or another even though I don't fit.

"You're fake."

"You're trying too hard."

"Just be you."

"Who cares what anyone else thinks?"

The funniest and cruelest part of all of those comments/questions? Each and every one of them contradicts the others, and the people saying these things don't even realize it.

Here's basically how it goes:

"Just be you" - I am being me - always have.
"You're fake" - Wait, I was just doing what you told me to...
"Who cares what anyone else thinks?" - Easy for you to say when you're the one judging. Fuck it, I give up - I'm not going to try anymore.
"You're trying too hard" - Okay, what the fuck?

I'm not sure what the point of this entry was other than to rant, but I suppose that's the only reason I come here anymore. I used to have things to say. I used to be inspired. Now, I'm too busy "being an adult" and hiding myself lest anyone damage my self esteem and throw me off track to be inspired.

Yeah, yeah...I shouldn't let people have control over me - but let's get real: there isn't a person in this world who can escape their own feelings.

My "best friends" feel like strangers...I'm just the same fuck up I always was...and I'm lonely.

I guess THAT is why I'm back here...I have no one I feel like I can talk to anymore.

And again, who's fault is that? Mine.

"You're the only one who can control your emotions/life/future" and whatever the fuck else inspirational assholes try to tell you. All of it just a load of crap.

"You'll never find anyone to love you with that attitude" - Yeah thanks, you're really helping me feel better. Telling me how I'm ruining my own life REALLY motivates me to be more positive - how did you know?!

And now I'm talking to myself.

I've officially gone all the way into my head...Bye.