Am I Good Enough?

We are our biggest critics. In comparison to living up to our own expectations, living up to someone else's expectations seems positively simple. Can we ever measure up to our own standards? Will we drive ourselves insane trying?

Self-satisfaction is the hardest thing a human being has to gain. So what happens when self-satisfaction revolves around satisfying someone else? Am I good enough for them? Am I good enough for myself? Could one have anything to do with the other?

I don't know if I'm good enough. In my own mind I see myself as nervous. I see myself as unsure. I see myself as pathetic. I see myself as insecure.

Can I reach who I want to be? Do I even know who I want to be?

When I figure it out can I surpass or even reach my own standards?

What about you?

Food for thought...

Words Cannot Describe

It's funny how something one hates and mocks one year can become something they adore the next. I always hated Valentine's day. I was one of those bitter lonely people who would refer to it as "Singles Awareness Day" and make fun of those who were being all mushy and stupid with their valentines.

This year I guess I got a taste of what it's like to be "mushy and stupid".

I'd prefer it any day of the week.

My Valentine's Day was amazing. I got up at five in the morning to go watch the sunrise with my valentine (who surprised me with chocolates and a rose) and then get coffee. From there, we went to Zuma beach for a couple hours just to spend the morning being lazy on the shore. The sand was warm, the air was crisp and the day at the beach was beautiful. After that, we went ice skating, and as much as said valentine tried to scare me and make me think I was going to fall on my ass, I really had fun. It was quite possibly the first time two indecisive people have ever made such a planned out day.

Who knew the right valentine, and now boyfriend, could make a day I used to hate a day I adored. Thank you, Justin. :)

I Am...

Just as an experiment I went to several of my friends asking them to give me one word or phrase they'd use to describe me. Besides a bit of background information I added in myself, this is what they came up with:

I am...

A senior in high school
A writer
An intellectual
A "people person"
A hopeless romantic
A book nerd
Agreeable
Indecisive
Cuddly
Genial
Philosophical
Silly
Passionate
Clumsy
Free-spirited
Caring
Spastic
Outgoing
Spontaneous
Compatible
Insecure
Impulsive
Perseverant
Unique
Eccentric
Insane
Finding myself.

Also, if anyone was wondering, spontaneous and spastic are the words I got the most. :P

There's That Happy Feeling Again...

Until recently I'd been pretty convinced that the term "crush" was to never be used again after you graduated junior high. Apparently, I was wrong. That amazing, "you make me happy and I just want to be around you" feeling still applies all through high school and, who knows, maybe even after.

I missed this feeling so much. It's been forever since I've been infatuated with someone new. It's fun and new and exciting and I'm having the best time. My current state of happiness is at the utmost and I can't seem to come down from cloud nine.

At the same time, what goes up must come down. So, there is a small part in the back of my mind where I'm worried to be this happy...like the higher you go the farther you have to fall, and the farther you fall the more it's going to hurt. I suppose that's overanalyzing and thinking too far ahead, but it's always better to be cautious.

I'm not being cautious. I'm loving it.

If that's wrong, fuck it. I'm not looking towards a destination, I'm just enjoying the ride.

How Does One Lose a Moment Frozen In Time?

A photograph is a curious thing.

People say a picture is worth a thousand words...But if that is the case, then why are the best pictures captured when no words need be spoken? You don't look at a picture of two people having a conversation in a park with bright eyes and big smiles and think too deeply about it. However, I'm sure that moment portrayed in that photograph DID, in fact, contain a thousand words or more.

It's a picture of a woman mourning, or of a newly married couple smiling at one another that really says the most. However, I see things like this and can't think of a single proper word to describe it. So, how could it be worth so many as a thousand? I don't believe a picture is worth a thousand words so much as a single emotion or deep feeling.

Don't get me wrong, I realize this is merely a figure of speech. That isn't the point I'm trying to argue. What I wonder is how I can see an old picture of myself and not be able to come up with any explanation as to how I could have looked or felt that way at that point in time.

All of this could be mindless babble that no one but myself can decipher, but I'm so ENDLESSLY curious to figure out what the key to happiness is. A mystery I'm sure the entire known universe is out to crack. It isn't just me...So maybe my psycho babble will make some odd sense to possible inquirers.

I saw a picture of myself the other day...a few in fact. My feelings as I scrolled through the album of smiles and kisses wasn't that of sadness, regret, or nostalgia. I wasn't remembering the time in which the photo was taken or the circumstances. All I could do as I sat their staring at the slightly younger reflection on the computer screen was wish desperately that I could remember what it felt to be that person.

The smile plastered on my face in every single photograph wasn't in fact plastered there at all...it was genuine. I was the epitome of pure joy and happiness. It was almost sickening...yet something I still long for.

I'm making my way there, don't get me wrong, but I know that I will never return to that same "genre", if you will, of happiness.

I wonder all the time...Where did that person go?