Emptiness and Loneliness

It's a weird feeling wanting to be alone when one feels lonely. 

If I can't be with the person I love, I'd rather just not be around anyone. Being isolated is almost like freedom. I don't have unnecessary people getting in my way and wasting space. I think if I didn't live with my significant other, I'd just like to live alone. It's a preference. I like being alone. But then what do I do about loneliness? 

This is why I need him. It sounds so cliche and so naive and so pathetic. I hear it. I sense it. I'm not oblivious. 

But if he's not around, I'm lonely. It's just a matter of being lonely by myself with a sense of freedom, or being lonely around others that I wish weren't there. 

Even if he just isn't speaking to me I feel lonely. It's a physical feeling of emptiness in my chest, and it gets to the point where I look down and realize I've wrapped my arms around myself. 

I've written about this feeling before, like literally holding yourself together. Or trying to comfort yourself and block the space that they left vacant. To physically feel negative emotions is torture. 

I recently went off of my medication very abruptly. An anti-anxiety anti-depressant combo. I stopped because my lack of sex drive was depressing me in and of itself. Since then my sex drive has been incredible and sex with him has been wonderful as well.  But the feelings of paranoia and self-loathing and worthlessness have come back and his voluntary abandonment couldn't have come at a worse time. 

I love him so fucking much and I work so hard to show him. I work hard to prove myself in every way. But it isn't good enough. I'm not good enough. And I never have been and he keeps making that excessively clear and yet I still fight to stay. 

What does that say about me?

Ungrateful

I've been so spaced out all day.

It's made me feel weird about stuff.

...and has apparently killed any eloquence in my writing...

Anyways, I was just thinking to myself how frustrating it is to have the one you want right in front of you, right next to you, and not be able to touch them. Or more generally speaking, have them in front of you, and maybe even touching you, and not be able to have them.

To only have permission to show your affection occasionally takes incredible patience and self-control...and it is so frustrating.

I suppose this seems extremely ungrateful and I should be happy just to get to be around him so often. Still, I suppose it will always be slightly disappointing to be that close and still so far away.

Then being told not to consider the future...I know it's for the best but it's damn near impossible not to...at least for me. I'm just holding out hope that one day he'll give in to how I know he feels about me and just be with me. His unwillingness to do so scares me a bit...like maybe he doesn't care as much as I think he does...or hope he does. It's just so hard for me to wrap my head around the concept that someone can love another person with such passion and magnitude and still consciously choose not to be with them.

I suppose it's just something I'll have to learn to get past...but it'll take time and I know I'll never fully understand it.

For now I will just do my best to be thankful to have him as a best friend. I will take the affection I'm given in private and the support he offers when I need it.

One day it will be all the time...One day someone will show me that love all the time...everyday.

Until then, I'll just have to keep my feelings at bay and to myself as best I can...and hope that that someone is him.

One drink

Why can't I leave him alone. 

I try so hard.

Then one drink and I have no more say in the matter.

He's always on my mind. 

Where Is My Mind?

Do you have any idea how hard it is to live right next to the beach when the beach brings up memories that pain you?

Every anniversary, almost every date day/night...spent at the beach. I LOVE the beach.

Now I can't even look at the coast on my drive up to or back from Santa Barbara...it's not even the same part of the coast...but it doesn't matter.

So many things that I loved...ruined.

So many things that I miss. Not just the beach and what it used to mean to me. It probably never held such importance to him...but it did to me.

I miss just about everything though. Every stupid thing.

I miss the steps in front of his place. Almost every greeting was there. The first place I'd see him when he'd get back from a long trip (the best feeling in the world). The place we'd fight...the place we'd make up. The place we'd sit and talk...sit and eat...or just sit.

I miss his balcony. Every damn smoke break made me happy because it meant I got to be so close to him in such a small space. He'd put his arm around me and kiss me on the cheek. Such a small gesture...but it made me so happy.

I miss listening to 90's music in my car. Or in his car. Drunkenly singing along to Train - being stupid and reckless and happy. Or just sitting calmly, enjoying each others' company before he left for a trip...

Fuck...I miss everything. It hurts and it feels like it will never go away. Such vivid memories seem as if they'll never fade...

I wonder what he misses...I wonder if he thinks of any of these things...maybe he misses other things...

I wish I could read his mind sometimes...but I'm sure that would hurt me very deeply.

I just wish he'd talk to me...tell me how he's feeling (even if that means yelling at me...I prefer it to silence). He wouldn't talk to me when we were together either...I guess he's just not that kind of person.

Nonetheless, I just so wish he'd be a part of my life. If I can't have him as my own, I at least want him as a friend...He's one of my favorite people on this Earth...and now I can't even talk to him.

I know he cares...I just wish he wouldn't throw everything we had away...

I would do whatever it took to remedy the situation. People have suggested him sleeping with someone to call it "even". It wouldn't even upset me if it meant it would ease his mind and he could be with me again. I would work so hard to get past this...but he just wants to let it go...

I guess that in itself says something...

I just wish he'd see that I would do literally anything in my power for him...even if it didn't mean getting him back...That's what you do for the people you love...

I try to say everything happens for a reason but right now it's just so hard.

I am trying to have a good time...I'm distracting myself. Everyone says "This is college! The best years of your life! You should enjoy being single!!" ...but that doesn't apply to someone who thrives in relationships. Who thrives in love.

I go out...I spend time with friends...I post pictures on Facebook.

And maybe I look happy.

I'm not happy. I'm just drunk and numb and trying so hard to forget.

I can't even find peace in that...when I drink all it make me do is feel less self-control when it comes to contacting him. Drunk texts, snapchats, etc.

My stress, my sadness, my desperate need for distraction...all of this is affecting the rest of my life. My grades are suffering, my health is suffering...everything is kind of going downhill.

I've decided to call this quarter my only time to slip up. After this it'll be summer...I can recover...and when I go back next fall I will be back to my normal, over-achieving self.

One of my best friends is coming down from Alaska to live with me for a month in July. I'm sure her presence will help me a lot. I just wish she had gotten to meet him...she always wanted to. Now she's finally coming down and he won't even speak to me...though I'm almost positive he still wants to...

I guess if he reads this it's a sign that he wants to be a part of my life...

He probably won't though.

I miss joking and being stupid with him...I miss cuddling...I miss watching movies (against my will sometimes...but always ended up being beneficial).

I miss so many fucking things. I'm so tired of missing him...It hurts every fucking day. I just wish he'd talk to me.

Now I'm just repeating myself.

I should be paying attention in class...no wonder my grades are suffering. My brain's in 100 different times and places all at once. My body is in class...my brain is at the beach on our first anniversary...on his balcony in the sun...in my car listening to music...in his bedroom being fat and eating snacks...in Chicago at Barnes & Noble.

I'm never mentally present anymore.

No matter how close my physical body is to you...my mind is far away.

Pushing Me Away

It just dawned on me that he's been throwing my love away for a long time...

I love him so much and always have and for whatever reason he always pushed it away.

Always pushing me away and still expecting me to stay.

I never wanted to leave...I never wanted to stray.

A person can only be pushed so far...pushed away so many times.

I just wish I could have put up with the pushing longer.

That was my failure.

Dreams

I used to love my dreams.

I was proud of the vividness of my imagination and my ability to recall the images I'd seen in my sleep.

I would lucid dream. I could make bad things go away (most of the time). I could make myself fly. Even when I wasn't lucid dreaming I could recall things so clearly with such odd detail. I thought it was so amazing - like some symbolic other world. I would tell people about them and ask for their opinions on what they meant. I let my dreams tell me new things about myself.

I liked to study them. Wanted to understand how they expressed the inner workings of the mind. I would read about others' theories and experiences.

But now I resent my dreams. I hate them. I wish they'd stop.

My dreams show me things I want to see...then I wake up twice as hurt as I was before.
Sometimes even worse they show me things that hurt so bad I can't forget them.

I dream that nothing changed, that we're still together. Or I dream that we were able to get past everything...that we persevered. Then I wake up just to realize that there's still the possibility I'll never see or talk to him again.

I dreamt once that I had to watch him love someone else. I had to see him look into another girl's eyes the way he always looked into mine. I can't even describe the pain in that...even if it was just a dream. I don't know what I'll ever do if I have to see that in my waking life. The odd part of that dream, was that the other girl looked a lot like me. Even worse, they both just pitied me.

I don't know which type of dream is worse. Having what I want...holding his face in my hands...running my hands through his hair...Or watching the one I want wanting someone else...

It's not fair when all I want to do is sleep to forget and instead I fall asleep and get reminded. Every damn night. Every damn nap. I still wake up alone...

Game of Thrones

All I want to do is watch Game of Thrones but even that makes me want to cry. 

I can't escape him. 

I don't want to. 

What Life Is Now

I have a take home midterm due in 8 hours...I'm about half finished.

I'm estimating about 4 hours of sleep tonight. I suppose it could be worse. Writing this blog probably isn't helping. Oh well.

I don't feel very motivated to do much anymore. I guess the last time I was unmotivated was around the time I last wrote frequently in this blog.

This is my distraction. This is what I do when I feel lonely.
When I want to vent.
When I want to procrastinate.

Seems as though I'm really fucked for these politically driven communication classes now...
Now that my personal poli-sci guru isn't mine anymore. Doesn't even want me to exist anymore.

I guess that's my main reason for procrastinating. I just don't much care anymore. Don't really care what grades I get or what happens next. Maybe this just isn't a time to be an overachiever.

At this point in time, I'm almost afraid that if I work to hard I might break. Too much stress, too much sadness, too much self-loathing.

I've also realized, very rarely do I ever write anything positive here. Probably because I can discuss positive things with other people. This is just where all of the negative crap goes that I know everyone is sick of hearing. If they aren't sick of hearing it they might actually read it here...but that's not likely.

I should have written happy things. Though I'm not sure now if looking back on them would make me smile or if it would make me cry. I had so many happy thoughts I could have written down every damn day. How much love I felt and how he made me smile by doing stupid shit. How his dimples were my favorite and how cute he looked in his glasses (even though he didn't like them). How even sitting on his lap while he played video games or sitting with him while he studied made me feel happier than most other things in the world.

I'm trying so hard to let those things go...but it seems damn near impossible.

I have no one to blame but myself. As per usual.

I should have known better than to think he didn't want me. I should have known.

But I didn't.

So here we are.

Alone.

With grades slipping and sanity strained.

This is what life is now.

Fixation

I don't understand why I become fixated on things...Sometimes it happens and I don't realize it for a long time.

I just realized I've had the same fixation for almost a year now.

Chicago.

That trip...seems like a different lifetime now.

Only two weeks out of three years and that is what my mind won't drop. I think of that trip at least once everyday. It's the kind of memory that can hurt me deeply just because a similar scent floats through the air...or a certain song plays. It has so much control.

I can remember everything so clearly...I can see the house, the places we went. I can smell the warm rain. I can feel his feet on mine while we'd read in bed.

I had to rely on him for food and transportation.
I got to sleep with him some nights.
We rented movies and went out to see a few at the theater.
We studied at Barnes & Noble.
We took bubble baths.
We went shopping and spoiling him made me smile.
We took the train downtown.
He took care of me when I got a cold.
We fought and we argued but we'd let it go...we had to live under the same roof.
When he'd start to get irritated with me he'd just hug me.
Game of Thrones was a marathon event each night.
Fireworks in the alley behind his house.
Riding jetskis.
Bike rides around the park...racing and failing to bring our pizza home intact.
Waking up and showering only to get out and find him waiting with tea.
Making breakfast with him.
Dates at 24 hour hipster cafes.

That's how I wanted the rest of my life to be...

Now those memories will forever haunt me.

I still wouldn't trade them for anything...

The Highest Highs and the Lowest Lows

Weeks of being productive, overachieving, confidence, constant motion...

Weeks of depression, insecurity, sleep, feelings of inadequacy...

I guess everyone's best guess is that I'm manic depressive. 

Too Close To Home

It's also a shame to have such a catchy song relate so much to one's life.

It's also a shame that I can't share it with him...I think he'd like it...but then again, maybe not.

My Mental Health...Or Lack Thereof

Running on three hours sleep. Hoping this breakfast sandwich and strawberry banana smoothie will be enough to keep me going until four. 

One midterm down, one to go...for today.

I went to the school therapist yesterday. It was the first time I'd seen a shrink in over 10 years. It was kind of nice.

I told her about everything that's happened, everything I feel, everything I don't feel. She listened and didn't belittle my problems or tell me to "just get over it" or that all I needed to do was just "think more positively."

She took my problems seriously - which, for my friends, has been difficult lately, considering my problems are usually always recurring and I start to sound like a broken record. 

I don't blame them.

But it was nice to have someone from an outside perspective to listen, and to reassure me that I've been through a lot and that I'm not wrong to think that this may have affected me over the years. 

I'm set up to see her again next week...Thursday. She also set up an appointment for me with the school psychiatrist. She said it might be necessary for me to try mood stabilizers, though she didn't give me any idea what kind...and she didn't label what might be wrong with me. That part was kind of disappointing. It would be so nice to put a name to the problem I've been feeling for so long. 

Maybe after a few more visits she'll come up with a name...a diagnosis if you will.

However, my psychiatric appointment won't be for a month, so we have some time to figure it out. Unfortunately, she said that I seem to have some attention deficit problems as well, HOWEVER if they were to give me a stimulant for my A.D.D. there is a possibility this would worsen the mood problems. 

I suppose if I had to choose I'd pick the mood stabilizers over the A.D.D. meds. It would probably be more beneficial. How nice it would be to stay productive AND be happy. 

I've already figured out a few things I want to discuss with her for next week. Mostly my failed relationship. We didn't actually talk that much about that the first time. It was more towards family and my own problems. 

All I can think about is how I ruined one of the best things in my life - a relationship that made me happy and sad but ultimately gave me purpose and drive and something to look forward to each day. 

Now I don't have that. It's making it harder to deal with everything and stay motivated the way I have the past few years. 

Chicago...my brain keeps going back to Chicago. 

I think about it, I dream about it at night. The times we had and the times we could have had. How happy I was there, despite the few setbacks. Living with him in a new place, if only for a little while. 

I could have been there with him this summer...he said so himself...but I ruined that. Much like I seem to ruin all of the good things that happen to me. 

What I wouldn't give...

To be with him now...to go back a few weeks and not make that mistake. 

To be going to Chicago with him this summer...

Maybe one day.

For now, all I hold onto is the possibility of contact in June...and if that doesn't come through...then I don't know...

Just Some Negative Musings

What should I be doing right now?

Homework.

There's too much on my mind for that...it just won't do. So here, again, I turn to an internet blog that no one reads.

It shocks me every now and then that I could be so positive one day and so negative the next. I'll be so happy, celebrating life, thankful for all that I have and all that the world has to offer may it be tangible or otherwise. The next day I contemplate the unthinkable after pondering and coming to the realization that I may never be happy. Maybe I just wasn't cut out for it. No matter how hard I try to be a good person, I do shitty things. I find said "shitty things" fun...but when they hurt the people I love and care about I want to punish myself.

I'm impulsive. I'm "spontaneous" to put a positive spin on it.

I'm so torn all of the time. I'm happy one day - I want to give to people, I want to let everyone know that they are loved because I know how it feels to hurt. The next day I'm hurting once more. I realize how lonely I am - and I realize that that's my fault.

I want things that aren't real, and I can't stop myself from wanting.

I know what's right and I know what I want and I know that these two rarely match up.

I'm so torn all of the time...

I don't know if people like me actually exist...I haven't met any so far. People criticize the unfamiliar and the criticism gets old. I don't fit into one stereotype...not even close. My personality changes with my moods (which we've established transform in flashes) and I like to look how I feel. Yet people keep trying to shove me into one "label" or another even though I don't fit.

"You're fake."

"You're trying too hard."

"Just be you."

"Who cares what anyone else thinks?"

The funniest and cruelest part of all of those comments/questions? Each and every one of them contradicts the others, and the people saying these things don't even realize it.

Here's basically how it goes:

"Just be you" - I am being me - always have.
"You're fake" - Wait, I was just doing what you told me to...
"Who cares what anyone else thinks?" - Easy for you to say when you're the one judging. Fuck it, I give up - I'm not going to try anymore.
"You're trying too hard" - Okay, what the fuck?

I'm not sure what the point of this entry was other than to rant, but I suppose that's the only reason I come here anymore. I used to have things to say. I used to be inspired. Now, I'm too busy "being an adult" and hiding myself lest anyone damage my self esteem and throw me off track to be inspired.

Yeah, yeah...I shouldn't let people have control over me - but let's get real: there isn't a person in this world who can escape their own feelings.

My "best friends" feel like strangers...I'm just the same fuck up I always was...and I'm lonely.

I guess THAT is why I'm back here...I have no one I feel like I can talk to anymore.

And again, who's fault is that? Mine.

"You're the only one who can control your emotions/life/future" and whatever the fuck else inspirational assholes try to tell you. All of it just a load of crap.

"You'll never find anyone to love you with that attitude" - Yeah thanks, you're really helping me feel better. Telling me how I'm ruining my own life REALLY motivates me to be more positive - how did you know?!

And now I'm talking to myself.

I've officially gone all the way into my head...Bye.