Ungrateful

I've been so spaced out all day.

It's made me feel weird about stuff.

...and has apparently killed any eloquence in my writing...

Anyways, I was just thinking to myself how frustrating it is to have the one you want right in front of you, right next to you, and not be able to touch them. Or more generally speaking, have them in front of you, and maybe even touching you, and not be able to have them.

To only have permission to show your affection occasionally takes incredible patience and self-control...and it is so frustrating.

I suppose this seems extremely ungrateful and I should be happy just to get to be around him so often. Still, I suppose it will always be slightly disappointing to be that close and still so far away.

Then being told not to consider the future...I know it's for the best but it's damn near impossible not to...at least for me. I'm just holding out hope that one day he'll give in to how I know he feels about me and just be with me. His unwillingness to do so scares me a bit...like maybe he doesn't care as much as I think he does...or hope he does. It's just so hard for me to wrap my head around the concept that someone can love another person with such passion and magnitude and still consciously choose not to be with them.

I suppose it's just something I'll have to learn to get past...but it'll take time and I know I'll never fully understand it.

For now I will just do my best to be thankful to have him as a best friend. I will take the affection I'm given in private and the support he offers when I need it.

One day it will be all the time...One day someone will show me that love all the time...everyday.

Until then, I'll just have to keep my feelings at bay and to myself as best I can...and hope that that someone is him.