One midterm down, one to go...for today.
I went to the school therapist yesterday. It was the first time I'd seen a shrink in over 10 years. It was kind of nice.
I told her about everything that's happened, everything I feel, everything I don't feel. She listened and didn't belittle my problems or tell me to "just get over it" or that all I needed to do was just "think more positively."
She took my problems seriously - which, for my friends, has been difficult lately, considering my problems are usually always recurring and I start to sound like a broken record.
I don't blame them.
But it was nice to have someone from an outside perspective to listen, and to reassure me that I've been through a lot and that I'm not wrong to think that this may have affected me over the years.
I'm set up to see her again next week...Thursday. She also set up an appointment for me with the school psychiatrist. She said it might be necessary for me to try mood stabilizers, though she didn't give me any idea what kind...and she didn't label what might be wrong with me. That part was kind of disappointing. It would be so nice to put a name to the problem I've been feeling for so long.
Maybe after a few more visits she'll come up with a name...a diagnosis if you will.
However, my psychiatric appointment won't be for a month, so we have some time to figure it out. Unfortunately, she said that I seem to have some attention deficit problems as well, HOWEVER if they were to give me a stimulant for my A.D.D. there is a possibility this would worsen the mood problems.
I suppose if I had to choose I'd pick the mood stabilizers over the A.D.D. meds. It would probably be more beneficial. How nice it would be to stay productive AND be happy.
I've already figured out a few things I want to discuss with her for next week. Mostly my failed relationship. We didn't actually talk that much about that the first time. It was more towards family and my own problems.
All I can think about is how I ruined one of the best things in my life - a relationship that made me happy and sad but ultimately gave me purpose and drive and something to look forward to each day.
Now I don't have that. It's making it harder to deal with everything and stay motivated the way I have the past few years.
Chicago...my brain keeps going back to Chicago.
I think about it, I dream about it at night. The times we had and the times we could have had. How happy I was there, despite the few setbacks. Living with him in a new place, if only for a little while.
I could have been there with him this summer...he said so himself...but I ruined that. Much like I seem to ruin all of the good things that happen to me.
What I wouldn't give...
To be with him now...to go back a few weeks and not make that mistake.
To be going to Chicago with him this summer...
Maybe one day.
For now, all I hold onto is the possibility of contact in June...and if that doesn't come through...then I don't know...
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