If I can't be with the person I love, I'd rather just not be around anyone. Being isolated is almost like freedom. I don't have unnecessary people getting in my way and wasting space. I think if I didn't live with my significant other, I'd just like to live alone. It's a preference. I like being alone. But then what do I do about loneliness?
This is why I need him. It sounds so cliche and so naive and so pathetic. I hear it. I sense it. I'm not oblivious.
But if he's not around, I'm lonely. It's just a matter of being lonely by myself with a sense of freedom, or being lonely around others that I wish weren't there.
Even if he just isn't speaking to me I feel lonely. It's a physical feeling of emptiness in my chest, and it gets to the point where I look down and realize I've wrapped my arms around myself.
I've written about this feeling before, like literally holding yourself together. Or trying to comfort yourself and block the space that they left vacant. To physically feel negative emotions is torture.
I recently went off of my medication very abruptly. An anti-anxiety anti-depressant combo. I stopped because my lack of sex drive was depressing me in and of itself. Since then my sex drive has been incredible and sex with him has been wonderful as well. But the feelings of paranoia and self-loathing and worthlessness have come back and his voluntary abandonment couldn't have come at a worse time.
I love him so fucking much and I work so hard to show him. I work hard to prove myself in every way. But it isn't good enough. I'm not good enough. And I never have been and he keeps making that excessively clear and yet I still fight to stay.
What does that say about me?
