Two Years Went By So Fast

Anyone who knows me well would be expecting today to be a day of extreme emotional distress for me. However, rather than mourning the end of a good time, I'm spending my day being thankful for having had the experience. I am also thanking whatever higher powers are out there for opening my eyes to the stupidity of my depression and granting me the strength and wisdom to let go.

Two years ago today a boy who I'd been seeing for only a few short months asked me to be his girlfriend. Had we survived the test of time today would have been our anniversary. Some would be pretty bummed if they were in my shoes right now, but I'm not. There's nothing to be sad about really. It was just another chapter in my life, like any other. I was happy when times were good and sad when they weren't, but I'm not going to be upset that it's over. It ran it's intended course and it ended when it was supposed to.

As the saying goes, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
So, I'm smiling. :)

With that, I wish everyone a very happy January 26th.

Is There Something Wrong?

I've had people telling me recently I seem down or different. Like despite my good mood and upbeat attitude there is something wrong there that they can't quite put their fingers on. I tell them time and time again, "No, nothing is wrong."

They continue to question me.

I'm starting to think: What if something is wrong? Could something be wrong within me that even I'm unaware of? What could possibly be upsetting me? Everything that would upset me, I've already come to terms with and I'm not upset anymore. Yet, people continue to question my well-being. If other people seem to be able to read me, why can't I read myself?

I feel completely fine. Happy, if not a little tired at times...and recently, frequently plagued with nasty headaches. Otherwise, I find nothing wrong, but people have me worrying now. What IS wrong? There must be something, right? If I'm giving off some kind of bad vibe, something can't be right...

How am I suppose to improve and get better when people are trying to convince me something is wrong all the time?

Maybe one day I'll be let in on my own problems. Who knows.

Wasted Efforts

Due to my constant need to fix everything I've set myself up for some very harsh reality checks. I'm slowly learning that no matter how hard I may try some efforts are futile. Some things are just beyond my control. Sometimes I can't right my wrongs and second chances aren't an option, but no matter how positive or friendly the dismissal is, the new sense of absence doesn't feel any less like abandonment.

Everyone has experienced what it's like to enjoy another's company. I would expect that if anyone were in jeopardy of losing that companionship, they'd fight to keep it. I suppose I expect that because it's what I do every time. I just wish it didn't occur so often; the fighting gets exhausting. Often, I succeed in maintaining the friendship and achieving the ultimate goal of not losing another person I care for. However, when I fail, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I end up feeling both hurt and vulnerable...and completely out of control.

So, I clean.

I clean everything.

It gives me a sense of order...but that's besides the point. Last night I failed again...another one left. I couldn't do anything to fix it.

My feelings of distress from last night carried over to this morning and I wish I could find order. I sit here not sure whether to feel abandoned or grateful for a selfless act.

How can I see the bigger pictures when I'm stuck feeling completely discarded?

What does one do when a friend they were trying so desperately to prove themselves to won't stick around to see and acknowledge their efforts?

All I wanted was to earn someone's faith in me. Now I can't.
So, I clean.

To Quote Katy Perry...

"Thought that I was the exception- I could rewrite your addiction. You could have been the greatest but you'd rather get wasted....Want to be your lover, not your fucking mother. Can't be your savior- I don't have the power. I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain."

If there's one thing I've come to find throughout all of high school, it's that no one person can change another. Screw academics, the biggest lesson I've learned had nothing to do with school itself. No matter how hard you try or how much time you invest in another person, you're never going to change them. If they treat people like shit, you better love getting treated like shit or get the hell out of that relationship. If they decide they want to waste their lives on drugs, either you're going to get fucked up with them or tell them to fuck themselves, because there's no way they're going to stop for you.

I was in that exact situation. I wasted years keeping (or trying to keep) someone clean only to find out recently that all of that was for nothing. So, that finally sent me over the edge. All care I had for that person vanished and I dropped them out of my life and mind like a hot potato. I'm not wasting anymore time trying to do the impossible - Even if it means saving someone.

What I'm trying to say to everyone who thinks they're going to be the one to positively influence and change that troubled person they care for is: You're not going to, so don't waste your time. Especially if their trouble is any illegal substance. They're either going to A) lie to you, B) treat you like shit, C) both, D) die, or E) go to jail.

If you want that, go right ahead and be with them. Have fun.

If you don't believe me, knock yourself out trying to prove me wrong.

If you're intelligent, trust me.

What's With All the Nostalgia?!

If it's not one thing it's another. Can't I just be content in the position I'm in? The past is in the past and that's where it will always stay. I can't change that. No one can. Yet my heart longs for things that I can't bring back. Why?

I finally rid my heart and soul of that waste of a person and now they miss someone else. Almost everyday I have some odd flashback or another. There are songs that bring on the nostalgia that will randomly get stuck in my head, so I've downloaded them all in hopes of getting used to them. Maybe that way I can listen to them without seeing and hearing my summer in the back of my mind.

Confusing? Me? No.

Fuck my life? Yes.

I wish I could go back. WHY!? The past is the past. The past is the past! It's not coming back. I guess that's just another epiphany I suppose I'll have to wait for. It would be nice if it would hit me sooner this time around...

Being attracted to assholes...SO much fun.

I love sarcasm.

I need to be impressed again...I need to be treated well and respected. I'm trying my best and that would be an amazing reward for my self-improvement. I want a guy to old-school court me, being both respectful and patient and acting like a complete gentleman. That is what I want most. I want to be taken on a real date...I want chivalry. Being treated well is something I so long for and respond to very positively. That's all I really want...it isn't hard...it isn't asking all that much. It's all I want.

Why isn't there a single guy out there who can do that for me without completely fucking me over shortly after?

Define Playing With Fire.

Old friendships rekindled, new sparks ignited; who's to say playing with fire is bad? While some are arsonphobic, others are pyromaniacs. Could this be yet another matter of opinion? The word "playing" would imply that the act of it was fun. However, the fire itself is typically seen as dangerous. All this adds up to the conclusion that one who "plays with fire" is an adrenaline junkie...a risk taker.

After a short-lived yet drama-filled relationship with a former friend, I've currently become closer with him again. For me there was never a problem. The problem arose from matters of his own heart and mind. So, he ran away from it...and from me. That action alone would put him under the "arsonphobic" category. His return, however, is most certainly the act of a pyromaniac.

In the sense of fire-play, there is no doubt he's walking a tightrope over a pit of flames. I would love to guarantee that he won't get burned, but when emotions take over not everyone knows how to keep from falling...

I would hope his balance has improved. If not, I guess we're both going down in flames.

Left With Nothing But Inquiries

After my long-awaited epiphany, I feel relieved and increasingly more optimistic. As nice as those feelings are, they've opened up a whole new world of questions locked inside my own mind. I don't know the answers or where to go in search of them. My mind is endlessly wondering new things everyday. I've always been that way, but now the subject matter has changed. Instead of the old, self-loathing inquiries I'd make daily, my thoughts are now open-ended questions of what is normal and what is okay.

Is it backtracking whenever I get nostalgic for something in the past? Does my recovery hang in the balance?
Does everyone else get flashbacks so strong it makes their whole body jolt?
How am I supposed to feel now?
What am I supposed to want?
Is the overwhelming desire for something new just another mistake I'm about to walk into?
What do I do?
Does anyone know?

I feel as though the last few questions are extremely vague...and yet everyone in this world knows what I feel and wonders the same things quite frequently. It makes me feel less abnormal, but how am I to know I'm right in that assumption?

Someone let me know I'm not alone in these thoughts, fears and inquiries.

Finally!

The epiphany finally hit me. My mind has finally processed the thought I've been mulling over for months. I knew this was the case from the beginning but didn't quite believe it until now. I don't miss him anymore. It's not him. He's a different person now and I don't want that person at all. I miss what we had...what we were, but by no means do I miss HIM.

God, the liberation is too much to explain in words. No more does the sound of a song throw me into hysterics. My world doesn't revolve around his sorry ass anymore. Now I do things to better myself, not in attempts of winning back his love...which, looking back, was never really enough for me anyways. I don't need him. I can do better.

This doesn't mean I don't still become sad or nostalgic, but I have in fact let go, and all the regret of leaving has fallen away. My decisions were correct all along. Had I stayed, I would have been the fool. Instead, I've left him with a new fool. I remembered how much I despise ignorance. By the time I realized that was a trait I had obtained over time, I also realized he wasn't worth all the knowledge and logic I normally have. I would never risk all that for someone who was worth my time, let alone someone who wasn't.

While I admit I am not completely cured, this is now the road to recovery. It feels better everyday, and I find myself with a completely different mindset. While still cynical, I've become slightly more optimistic. I'm more willing to help others now than to seek help myself. I'm looking forward to completely moving on and I can proudly say I've left all of the ignorance (and ignorant people) in my wake.

That being said, I hope to start writing more. I used to complain about my writer's block and lack of muse, but I'm hoping now that my brain isn't so foggy and cluttered with thoughts of that stupid boy I'll have more room to be inspired again.