What Now?

This place is like a ghost town.
Abandoned with all the furniture and photos where everyone left them behind.
I left this blog behind a long time ago; I figured I was only using it to whine anyways - no real substance here.
Looking back on my rants and wonderings, it does all seem extremely juvenile.
However, writing is what got me through rough times. I abandoned it, finding other ways to survive, or simply stuffing said feelings down instead.
It occurred to me for the first time in years that writing down what I'm feeling and thinking manages to quiet the voice in my head - the manic, panicking, relentless, anxiety-driven voice.

What prompted me to come back here, desperate enough to rid myself of negative feelings that I thought of this blog?
The series finale of one of my favorite shows.
That. Sounds. So. Stupid.
I'm aware and it's even embarrassing to admit it - though no one reads this blog, and there is a good chance no one will ever even see this entry.

Regardless, I've been re-watching the entire Six Feet Under HBO series with my mother, and today we finished it up. That show had/has one of the most profound finale episodes of any show I've ever seen. It makes me cry, and think, and most of all it makes me uncomfortable with sitting still. Not physically sitting still, but rather being stagnant in life.

Since I last wrote anything here, I've graduated from college. As such, I'm no longer working towards anything at a constant rate. It has made me feel stuck, unsure what to do with myself next. Do I travel? With what money? When the hell will I find a job with decent financial security? Where will I live? What will I do?

What. Will. I. Do?

I also lost my father last year. Since then, I've been acutely aware of my own mortality, as well as that of those around me. I can't shake the fear that when someone is sleeping, they might be dead. If I feel pain that's unfamiliar it could be something fatal. If my heart rate drops too low or shoots too high, it could stop at any time, for any reason at all.

Life is fragile, and life is short.

That has been made abundantly clear as of late.

So, what do I do with my time?
Where do I go?
What do I see?
What can I do so that when I reach my last day, I won't look back in regret at all of my time wasted?

Just something I've been thinking about more and more...

Emptiness and Loneliness

It's a weird feeling wanting to be alone when one feels lonely. 

If I can't be with the person I love, I'd rather just not be around anyone. Being isolated is almost like freedom. I don't have unnecessary people getting in my way and wasting space. I think if I didn't live with my significant other, I'd just like to live alone. It's a preference. I like being alone. But then what do I do about loneliness? 

This is why I need him. It sounds so cliche and so naive and so pathetic. I hear it. I sense it. I'm not oblivious. 

But if he's not around, I'm lonely. It's just a matter of being lonely by myself with a sense of freedom, or being lonely around others that I wish weren't there. 

Even if he just isn't speaking to me I feel lonely. It's a physical feeling of emptiness in my chest, and it gets to the point where I look down and realize I've wrapped my arms around myself. 

I've written about this feeling before, like literally holding yourself together. Or trying to comfort yourself and block the space that they left vacant. To physically feel negative emotions is torture. 

I recently went off of my medication very abruptly. An anti-anxiety anti-depressant combo. I stopped because my lack of sex drive was depressing me in and of itself. Since then my sex drive has been incredible and sex with him has been wonderful as well.  But the feelings of paranoia and self-loathing and worthlessness have come back and his voluntary abandonment couldn't have come at a worse time. 

I love him so fucking much and I work so hard to show him. I work hard to prove myself in every way. But it isn't good enough. I'm not good enough. And I never have been and he keeps making that excessively clear and yet I still fight to stay. 

What does that say about me?

Ungrateful

I've been so spaced out all day.

It's made me feel weird about stuff.

...and has apparently killed any eloquence in my writing...

Anyways, I was just thinking to myself how frustrating it is to have the one you want right in front of you, right next to you, and not be able to touch them. Or more generally speaking, have them in front of you, and maybe even touching you, and not be able to have them.

To only have permission to show your affection occasionally takes incredible patience and self-control...and it is so frustrating.

I suppose this seems extremely ungrateful and I should be happy just to get to be around him so often. Still, I suppose it will always be slightly disappointing to be that close and still so far away.

Then being told not to consider the future...I know it's for the best but it's damn near impossible not to...at least for me. I'm just holding out hope that one day he'll give in to how I know he feels about me and just be with me. His unwillingness to do so scares me a bit...like maybe he doesn't care as much as I think he does...or hope he does. It's just so hard for me to wrap my head around the concept that someone can love another person with such passion and magnitude and still consciously choose not to be with them.

I suppose it's just something I'll have to learn to get past...but it'll take time and I know I'll never fully understand it.

For now I will just do my best to be thankful to have him as a best friend. I will take the affection I'm given in private and the support he offers when I need it.

One day it will be all the time...One day someone will show me that love all the time...everyday.

Until then, I'll just have to keep my feelings at bay and to myself as best I can...and hope that that someone is him.

One drink

Why can't I leave him alone. 

I try so hard.

Then one drink and I have no more say in the matter.

He's always on my mind. 

Where Is My Mind?

Do you have any idea how hard it is to live right next to the beach when the beach brings up memories that pain you?

Every anniversary, almost every date day/night...spent at the beach. I LOVE the beach.

Now I can't even look at the coast on my drive up to or back from Santa Barbara...it's not even the same part of the coast...but it doesn't matter.

So many things that I loved...ruined.

So many things that I miss. Not just the beach and what it used to mean to me. It probably never held such importance to him...but it did to me.

I miss just about everything though. Every stupid thing.

I miss the steps in front of his place. Almost every greeting was there. The first place I'd see him when he'd get back from a long trip (the best feeling in the world). The place we'd fight...the place we'd make up. The place we'd sit and talk...sit and eat...or just sit.

I miss his balcony. Every damn smoke break made me happy because it meant I got to be so close to him in such a small space. He'd put his arm around me and kiss me on the cheek. Such a small gesture...but it made me so happy.

I miss listening to 90's music in my car. Or in his car. Drunkenly singing along to Train - being stupid and reckless and happy. Or just sitting calmly, enjoying each others' company before he left for a trip...

Fuck...I miss everything. It hurts and it feels like it will never go away. Such vivid memories seem as if they'll never fade...

I wonder what he misses...I wonder if he thinks of any of these things...maybe he misses other things...

I wish I could read his mind sometimes...but I'm sure that would hurt me very deeply.

I just wish he'd talk to me...tell me how he's feeling (even if that means yelling at me...I prefer it to silence). He wouldn't talk to me when we were together either...I guess he's just not that kind of person.

Nonetheless, I just so wish he'd be a part of my life. If I can't have him as my own, I at least want him as a friend...He's one of my favorite people on this Earth...and now I can't even talk to him.

I know he cares...I just wish he wouldn't throw everything we had away...

I would do whatever it took to remedy the situation. People have suggested him sleeping with someone to call it "even". It wouldn't even upset me if it meant it would ease his mind and he could be with me again. I would work so hard to get past this...but he just wants to let it go...

I guess that in itself says something...

I just wish he'd see that I would do literally anything in my power for him...even if it didn't mean getting him back...That's what you do for the people you love...

I try to say everything happens for a reason but right now it's just so hard.

I am trying to have a good time...I'm distracting myself. Everyone says "This is college! The best years of your life! You should enjoy being single!!" ...but that doesn't apply to someone who thrives in relationships. Who thrives in love.

I go out...I spend time with friends...I post pictures on Facebook.

And maybe I look happy.

I'm not happy. I'm just drunk and numb and trying so hard to forget.

I can't even find peace in that...when I drink all it make me do is feel less self-control when it comes to contacting him. Drunk texts, snapchats, etc.

My stress, my sadness, my desperate need for distraction...all of this is affecting the rest of my life. My grades are suffering, my health is suffering...everything is kind of going downhill.

I've decided to call this quarter my only time to slip up. After this it'll be summer...I can recover...and when I go back next fall I will be back to my normal, over-achieving self.

One of my best friends is coming down from Alaska to live with me for a month in July. I'm sure her presence will help me a lot. I just wish she had gotten to meet him...she always wanted to. Now she's finally coming down and he won't even speak to me...though I'm almost positive he still wants to...

I guess if he reads this it's a sign that he wants to be a part of my life...

He probably won't though.

I miss joking and being stupid with him...I miss cuddling...I miss watching movies (against my will sometimes...but always ended up being beneficial).

I miss so many fucking things. I'm so tired of missing him...It hurts every fucking day. I just wish he'd talk to me.

Now I'm just repeating myself.

I should be paying attention in class...no wonder my grades are suffering. My brain's in 100 different times and places all at once. My body is in class...my brain is at the beach on our first anniversary...on his balcony in the sun...in my car listening to music...in his bedroom being fat and eating snacks...in Chicago at Barnes & Noble.

I'm never mentally present anymore.

No matter how close my physical body is to you...my mind is far away.