What Now?

This place is like a ghost town.
Abandoned with all the furniture and photos where everyone left them behind.
I left this blog behind a long time ago; I figured I was only using it to whine anyways - no real substance here.
Looking back on my rants and wonderings, it does all seem extremely juvenile.
However, writing is what got me through rough times. I abandoned it, finding other ways to survive, or simply stuffing said feelings down instead.
It occurred to me for the first time in years that writing down what I'm feeling and thinking manages to quiet the voice in my head - the manic, panicking, relentless, anxiety-driven voice.

What prompted me to come back here, desperate enough to rid myself of negative feelings that I thought of this blog?
The series finale of one of my favorite shows.
That. Sounds. So. Stupid.
I'm aware and it's even embarrassing to admit it - though no one reads this blog, and there is a good chance no one will ever even see this entry.

Regardless, I've been re-watching the entire Six Feet Under HBO series with my mother, and today we finished it up. That show had/has one of the most profound finale episodes of any show I've ever seen. It makes me cry, and think, and most of all it makes me uncomfortable with sitting still. Not physically sitting still, but rather being stagnant in life.

Since I last wrote anything here, I've graduated from college. As such, I'm no longer working towards anything at a constant rate. It has made me feel stuck, unsure what to do with myself next. Do I travel? With what money? When the hell will I find a job with decent financial security? Where will I live? What will I do?

What. Will. I. Do?

I also lost my father last year. Since then, I've been acutely aware of my own mortality, as well as that of those around me. I can't shake the fear that when someone is sleeping, they might be dead. If I feel pain that's unfamiliar it could be something fatal. If my heart rate drops too low or shoots too high, it could stop at any time, for any reason at all.

Life is fragile, and life is short.

That has been made abundantly clear as of late.

So, what do I do with my time?
Where do I go?
What do I see?
What can I do so that when I reach my last day, I won't look back in regret at all of my time wasted?

Just something I've been thinking about more and more...