Fixation

I don't understand why I become fixated on things...Sometimes it happens and I don't realize it for a long time.

I just realized I've had the same fixation for almost a year now.

Chicago.

That trip...seems like a different lifetime now.

Only two weeks out of three years and that is what my mind won't drop. I think of that trip at least once everyday. It's the kind of memory that can hurt me deeply just because a similar scent floats through the air...or a certain song plays. It has so much control.

I can remember everything so clearly...I can see the house, the places we went. I can smell the warm rain. I can feel his feet on mine while we'd read in bed.

I had to rely on him for food and transportation.
I got to sleep with him some nights.
We rented movies and went out to see a few at the theater.
We studied at Barnes & Noble.
We took bubble baths.
We went shopping and spoiling him made me smile.
We took the train downtown.
He took care of me when I got a cold.
We fought and we argued but we'd let it go...we had to live under the same roof.
When he'd start to get irritated with me he'd just hug me.
Game of Thrones was a marathon event each night.
Fireworks in the alley behind his house.
Riding jetskis.
Bike rides around the park...racing and failing to bring our pizza home intact.
Waking up and showering only to get out and find him waiting with tea.
Making breakfast with him.
Dates at 24 hour hipster cafes.

That's how I wanted the rest of my life to be...

Now those memories will forever haunt me.

I still wouldn't trade them for anything...