Where Do You See Yourself In Ten Years?

Have you ever wondered how long you'll get to live? When you will die? From what? Where?

I guess you could say I have.

Where do you see yourself in ten years? - One of the most commonly asked questions of any grade from elementary school to college. In elementary school it was usually something along the lines of, "I'm going to be going to high school with the big kids," or, "I'm going to have my own dog." Small, trivial things that wouldn't seem like big goals or even goals at all to anyone but a small child. In high school the answers changed from trivial to contemplative. They fell into the categories of general - "I see myself graduating college" - or specific - "I see myself in med school studying to become a neurosurgeon." The people around me always seem to have the biggest dreams. Finally, in college people really start to fear their own answers to that very same question. They start to become more unsure in their answers - with good reason. Some wish for a family, others wish for a fast-paced career. Most wish for lots of money.

The main point is, everyone gets asked that question more than once in their lifetime. Everyone around me always had interesting and insightful answers, no matter what age. I, however, seemed to fall into a category all my own.

When asked where I saw myself in ten years...I couldn't answer because I didn't know. I had no idea.

Everyone else had some idea - some plan. My mind can only see so far into the future before it stops making plans. I saw middle school, high school, college. I saw friends, boyfriends, part-times jobs. I saw myself eventually moving out and struggling into my own independence. I saw all of these things and I still see some, but after that point...somewhere along the line my future plans disappear. I can't see anything else. I can't see all of the plans that others seem to see for their own futures.

Why is it when I try to invision my future my mind is a blank. I don't see images of my house complete with husband and child. I don't see where I'm going to work and I don't see where I'm going to live. I see blackness where everyone else already sees a picture, prematurely painted.

I don't exactly know what this means.

I don't know if it's good that I take things one day at a time or bad that I haven't planned enough. I don't know if it will lead to my demise or if it will enhance my future in some odd way or another.

I don't know what ANY of it means.

I've always been curious about this. I always had some strange premonition that it meant I wouldn't live very long...like maybe the other kids had visions of their lives because they were actually going to occur one day.

Maybe my lack of insight into my own potential life meant there wasn't going to be one.

That seems scary but I don't see it that way. It's just something I've always considered...not as a bad thing necessarily. Just as an odd hunch or feeling. I wonder frequently if anyone else has felt this way. It just brings me back to something that always frightens me more than a little bit:

We, as people, have so many things that we have absolutely no way of ever finding out.

The things that scare me the most are the things no one will ever know.