Insecurities

I used to dwell on the past everyday at least once. These thoughts were sometimes negative, sometimes nostalgic, sometimes pondering, and all bittersweet. I find it ironic and painful that when I finally choose to let the past go, other people bring it back for me. My past mistakes. My past misfortunes. The skeletons in my closet. People from days gone by echo what I've said and done, informing and misinforming those close to me now. It's a giant game of "telephone", where one minor offense escalates to become four different major offenses, every one of which untrue.

My primary goal in life is to forget what history I've already written and what history has already been written for me and just move on. All things considered, I've done just that. The only problem is, others haven't. I've changed and I've become someone I've wanted to be: someone who accepts who they've been and is making a major effort to improve. Others either don't believe it, don't notice I've changed at all, or simply just don't care.

To all of those people: remember the proverb you were constantly being fed as a child, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

If you're saying disrespectful things then I've put you on the outside for a reason, so stay there and out of my business. I'm trying to create a pleasant future and you don't hold a place in it. As for all of the people who never held a place in my life to begin with, I don't know why you're spreading my business anyways. I give you my sincerest apologies for being so bored with your lives, or even worse, so delusional and ignorant as to think you have nothing to focus on when it comes to improving yourselves. Go fix your flaws and stop exemplifying mine.

The person I have become deserves the respect that the person I was never gained. All of these rumors have gone around about me for as long as I can remember and they're just that: rumors. They are my biggest insecurity because hearing something you've "done" (almost all of which you HAVEN'T actually done or even come close to doing) is embarrassing and degrading and it makes me uncomfortable showing my face in public some days.

I want people to care about the person I am, not the person I was. I want to be praised for my improvements, not ostracized for my mistakes. More than anything, I want the people I surround myself with to be proud to say they're my friend/boyfriend/parent, not embarrassed to tell people they know me, let alone choose to spend time with me.

I am working to be accepted and I finally deserve to be respected.