Destructive Behavior

While being opinionated and having my own unique way of thinking, I am extremely impressionable. Unfortunately, I don't choose the people I surround myself with based on whether the qualities they have will be good for me or bad for me. I never think of someone's possible influence on me before I befriend them. I just choose to be around those people I like, despite their problems or vices.

The pattern I've noticed, however, is that when I finally realize how unhealthy one person's influence has been on me and I move on, instead of finding someone more suitable to replace them, I just find someone with a different death wish. If it's not one irresponsible pleasure, it's another.

I found a guy and fell in love. He ended up a druggie and I finally wised up and realized I shouldn't waste my time with someone who could eventually turn me onto such dirty habits. I then started seeing someone with self-infliction issues. Since I can relate, it's needless to say just how counterproductive that relationship was for my psyche. After essentially combing that bad habit out of the seemling endless line of influential people I've met, I finally reach the point I'm at now. The person I am around the most doesn't do drugs and doesn't blatantly hurt himself, but I've noticed recently his lifestyle is no more safe or sane than the other two.

If I had to give it a name, I'd say it could be called Chronic Partying.

While I trust him fully, it's difficult to be with someone who always wants to go out and drink when all I want to do is stay inside. Given, I'd never keep him from doing what he wanted, so of course I encourage him to go and have fun. That isn't what gets to me. I've realized what bothers me is when I get drunk texts or calls and I have to realize that that altered mind, my boyfriend's altered mind, is off somewhere else without me.

That isn't even the main thing that bothers me, still. I can't completely explain what bothers me. It could be repressed memories or flashbacks or what have you. Whatever the case, being around anyone with any sort of destructive behavior brings out the depression and destructive behavior inside of me. If I see people I care about doing things to hurt themselves it makes me want to do the same to myself. When they hurt themselves they hurt me, whether they mean to or not, consequently making me want to hurt myself.

The first "issue" I associated with is long gone, but the other two I still enjoy and want to be around. In fact that's an understatement. It's likely I'd be devestated without them...

The irony of the saying "Can't live with them, can't live without them" is absolutely killing me right now.

I don't know what to do.