I'm Scared

I've found something in my life that makes me happy again. The fact that the happiness I've found is in another person is even more mind-blowing. Usually the sanctuaries I find are hobbies not involving others (i.e. music, writing, this blog...).

It takes someone amazing to even make it onto the list of things that put me in a good mood or help me escape from my problems, let alone top that list. Somehow, for whatever reason, I've managed to find someone who tops that list. He makes me feel the way I was afraid I would never get to feel again. His affection turns me into a complete cliche. I fall asleep thinking of him and text him first thing when I wake up and all I want to do is see him. All that gushy stuff that new couples write about each other. However, for someone who's been hurt and turned into a complete and utter skeptic, this isn't normal behavior anymore (as I mentioned in a post a couple days back).

Now, here's why I'm afraid:

What if it doesn't work out?

I'm in too deep now to get out. I've let my guards down too soon. I've trusted again when everything in me was telling me not to. Now that it's too late, I'm starting to worry. What if it was a mistake? Not on my part, of course. I know exactly what I want. This, what I have, is more than I could have asked for; it is everything I want...but what about him? What if he decides to change his mind, or what if he gets fed up with me and my closet full of skeletons and endless emotional baggage?

We've already had a few arguments. They've been the same both times, but they scare the hell out of me because after only two months I already know I'm in no shape to lose him.

This is what I really hate about myself. When I find someone I care this much about I deposit all of my happiness into them. All of my positive thoughts and feelings are anchored to that person. If they leave, so does my elated outlook on life.

"Oh, you've decided you don't want to be with me? Well, have fun with my optimism, you joy-stealer." But that's just the thing...I can't even blame the other party. It is completely my fault for getting so emotionally invested in another person.

If there is anything I've learned that's of any value in these past months, it's not to trust anyone, and here I've gone and broken my own rule. I've made myself vulnerable again.

Bottom line?

I'm fucked.