Hold Tight to the Past

It's weird how a single sound can take you back to another time entirely.

As I was sitting in my room, studying for a Spanish test that I have to make up tomorrow, I heard my dad moving the barbeque in the backyard. Just that distinct sound of the metal legs scraping against the asphalt took me back about ten years.

It reminded me of summertime; I was a little girl, in her first years of elementary school, and life was for nothing but fun. Things were still new and carefree, and I thought my dad was the most important, coolest man in the world. That was before I knew anything about marital problems or health concerns. I was completely unaware of anything wrong in my world; everything was perfect.

On those summer evenings, when the sun was still illuminating the light blue sky but the twilight was fast approaching, my dad would barbeque. He'd get out the grill and the scraping sound would excite the dogs, who learned quickly that that that noise would soon mean leftovers. After the coals were lit, I remember watching the smoke rise, and getting upset when it would get in my eyes. I remember being absolutely fascinated by the way looking past the barbeque could make the yard look like it was melting; little did I know it was just gas rising off the grill that was also extremely dangerous to breathe. I was such a little girl, radiant and curious and loving my life.

I miss those days, back when the backyard was full of adventures, and my dad was the only man in my life. The days when all that mattered was playing with my golden retriever, or what I was going to do for my birthday. Back then, the biggest problems I had were being upset with my bedtime and wanting to grow up too fast. Such a mistake.

Being a "grown-up". It seemed so glamourous then...so promising. When I could decide my own bedtime, and no one could tell me what to do. I couldn't have been more wrong. All I wanted to do then was grow up, and all I want to do now is grow back down. I find a lot of my days spent remembering how easy it used to be and wishing so much that I could go back.

Though I value the knowledge I've gained through all of my life experiences, I miss the ignorance of being a child. I miss not knowing all of the horrible things people say behind each other's backs. I miss not worrying about money and how I had to spend and save it. I miss not having to stress and work my ass off, worrying the entire time that it would be for nothing; that I would be a failure.

Seeing as I can never go back, I value those memories. I value the good memories that remind me of what a lucky individual I was to have had the childhood I did. Despite any bad things that happened, overall, I couldn't have been luckier. I don't remember a lot of the bad times that I've been told about recently. I suppose I've simply blocked them out. I am thankful for that, and I am thankful that those lovely, vivid memories remained with me.

I hope they remain with me all of my life, to get me through the hard times ahead.